"I'm so sorry, good sir!" squealed Goldilocks as she jumped out of the car and helped poor Pookee to his feet. The midget promptly bent over and vomited, narrowly missing Goldilocks' shoes.

"You don't look well," remarked Goldilocks. "Is there any way I could help?"

The midget looked up at Goldilocks, his sour expression changing to self-pity.

"You could give me a ride, lass," he answered, "but I doubt you're heading my way."

"And where might you be going, sir?"

"There's a mystical garden where the legendary Oompah Loompahs fellate and cleanse each others colons on a daily basis. I'm hoping they can make me a new penis."

Goldilocks grinned and nodded knowingly at the little man.

"I'm heading there myself," she said, "and you're more than welcome to accompany me. My name is Goldilocks."

"The name's Pookee," replied the midget, who was already climbing into the car. "Maybe this will make up for you almost running me over."

Goldilocks hopped back into the car and revved the engine.

"I'm on my way to get some new tits and a better hairstyle," she remarked. "It seems we both have quests to fulfill."

"No shit," said Pookee, who curled up on the seat and fell into a deep slumber.


A mere 20 miles away, a gas station attendant looked up to see three angry bears enter the food mart and walk right up to him. He stared at them, horrified, and resisted the urge to flee. The largest bear leaned forward and held up a picture of a blonde, curly-haired girl.

"You seen 'er?" asked the bear.

"Uh... n-no I haven't," the attendant stammered, "I-I'd remember her if I did."

"If you're lying, we'll be back," snorted the bear. The three of them walked out, purposely knocking over a display of Twinkies.

posted by Ubel at 7:24 AM

Don't think I ever posted this picture on the site. Last year I asked Sam what kind of drawing I should do of her, and she answered, "an evil sorceress!" So here is Sam in her malevolent glory:



posted by Ubel at 9:48 PM

Now this is smut!:



Okay, in defense of the fine makers of this game, the only way to play the naked woman is to start the game in developer mode and change the player model. Also, the model lacks genitals and toes. Still, someone took their sweet time making sure those boobs had realistic nipples - although sadly the breasts lack bounce and remain frozen in place like hardened implants. It would have been fun to see them knock her in the face during some of the more acrobatic moves.

As for the game itself, it's much like the first one but with pretty killer graphics. The way the light reflects off of Max's leather jacket and other surfaces (like naked female bodies) looks great, and check out the number of polygons on that female character's face.

The gameplay consists of running around and killing everyone with a variety of pistols, rifles, and grenades/molotov cocktails, and for the trickier battles you can use the Matrixesque "bullet time" effect that lets you battle in slo-mo for greater accuracy and more acrobatic moves. It's mindless fun, albeit short (about 8 hours of gameplay for me), but - much like the first one - it's a nice way to blow off steam while admiring the bells and whistles of the latest ATI and Nvidia cards.

New Guestbook
I went to check my old guestbook and was thoroughly annoyed by the pop-up ads that managed to make it past my blocker, so I decided to set one up directly on the site; thanks to the lovely person that created Megabook. There's still some tweaking to do on it, but it should be less obnoxious than the htmlgear one. Some day this site will rise from the rank of crappy.

Update:
The lovely Oomi's comment about just using a pair of walking boobs for Max Payne 2 reminded me of that fucked-up game Jurassic Park: Trespasser. It was a first person shooter, and in their attempt to make it "realistic" there was no HUD and you had a single, very-difficult-to-control floppy arm to manipulate the world around you (controlling it was sort of like holding a severed arm at the elbow). The best part was that to see how much health you had, you needed to look down at your own tits and check the tattoo on your left breast. The more it filled up with red, the more hurt you were. The effect was an odd one, though, because you never saw your feet while moving. Someone aptly dubbed it a "hovertit simulator".


Them's some fine hovertitties!
posted by Ubel at 7:57 AM