"I'm so sorry, good sir!" squealed Goldilocks as she jumped out of the car and helped poor Pookee to his feet. The midget promptly bent over and vomited, narrowly missing Goldilocks' shoes.

"You don't look well," remarked Goldilocks. "Is there any way I could help?"

The midget looked up at Goldilocks, his sour expression changing to self-pity.

"You could give me a ride, lass," he answered, "but I doubt you're heading my way."

"And where might you be going, sir?"

"There's a mystical garden where the legendary Oompah Loompahs fellate and cleanse each others colons on a daily basis. I'm hoping they can make me a new penis."

Goldilocks grinned and nodded knowingly at the little man.

"I'm heading there myself," she said, "and you're more than welcome to accompany me. My name is Goldilocks."

"The name's Pookee," replied the midget, who was already climbing into the car. "Maybe this will make up for you almost running me over."

Goldilocks hopped back into the car and revved the engine.

"I'm on my way to get some new tits and a better hairstyle," she remarked. "It seems we both have quests to fulfill."

"No shit," said Pookee, who curled up on the seat and fell into a deep slumber.


A mere 20 miles away, a gas station attendant looked up to see three angry bears enter the food mart and walk right up to him. He stared at them, horrified, and resisted the urge to flee. The largest bear leaned forward and held up a picture of a blonde, curly-haired girl.

"You seen 'er?" asked the bear.

"Uh... n-no I haven't," the attendant stammered, "I-I'd remember her if I did."

"If you're lying, we'll be back," snorted the bear. The three of them walked out, purposely knocking over a display of Twinkies.

posted by Ubel at 7:24 AM